Five Things I Swore I'd Never Say

1. Quiet down, I can't hear myself think. (Then I hear myself and realise I wasn't missing anything life altering)
2. You're going to break your neck if you don't stop jumping on the couch/bed/stuffed toy/insert furniture item here.
3. Your eyeballs will go square if you don't move back from the TV (Still waiting for mine to do that)
4. If your friend said you should jump off a bridge/eat sand/scream like a lion/spit water out of your mouth, would you do it? (apparently the answer's yes). Drumroll for the big one...
5. Because I'm the Mum, that's why. Therefore I am the boss. The autocratic dictator of this little universe. The giver and taker of sweet treats. Provider of food, clothing, shelter, kisses, hugs, bedtime stories and nursery rhymes complete with realistic animal noises. The master of all I survey. The end of the line. The place where the buck stops and no correspondence will be entered into. The wicked witch who won't brook having her absolute dominion questioned. If I say it's so, it's so.

If only motherhood were like writing, that last point might hold up.

Sami

For Those Wanting to Know...

It was a baby girl, 8lb 4oz, or 3.7kg in the new language - born by c-section at 4:14pm on Friday 18th of July. Mum and bub are doing well. I'm tired and sore but improving daily. Thanks to everyone who has been inquiring after mine and my new cherub's health. I'm going to continue lying low on the blog for a while, but will be back soon.

Keep reading and writing,

Sami

Out of Office

Since women need to put up signs when they're NOT going to be working, thought I'd let you know I'll be away from the blog for a while. C-Section is booked for this Friday, so I am now officially on maternity leave from this particular job (this means I've cut my usual three jobs down to one - the mother one. Why do I think I'll be no less busy?).

I'll leave you with a few funny quotes someone sent me on the email. Will see you back here soon... maybe.

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?

1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?

1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Cheers,

Sami

Still Here

Yes, I'm still here and still as big and heavy as that runaway boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark, just in case any of you thought my recent quietness was due to a suprise early delivery. Still just over three weeks to go, but who's counting? I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because I've been alternating between busy and exhausted. Hubby was away for a week and Princess Almost Three has officially turned Princess Three, also known by a new nickname I'm considering, The Queen of Why.

I always thought those kids in movies who ask for explanations about every tiny detail of life, you know the 'why is the sky blue?' type of questions, were caricatures. As it turns out, they're NOT. Seven days of unrelenting why questions (what are you doing Mummy; WHY are you doing that Mummy; Why Mummy, why, why????) and I was starting to see the grey hairs multiplying before my eyes. Add to this a complete and utter dearth of naps and follow it up with a backyard birthday party and all the necessary organisation that goes with it, and I was dead on my feet by Sunday night. And I haven't written a word for almost a week. Have barely read anything either.

The most significant tome I've read this week is The New Baby, an old Little Golden Book that has travelled here from my mother's house. Published in 1972 it did provide some moments of levity, and could simply not be read to Princess Three without hysterical laughter and sarcastic side remarks. Apparently pregnancy and childbirth were very different in the seventies. Such as;

1. Women didn't show. The mother in this book is looking winsomely svelt in her immaculate house dress just a day before she goes into labour.


2. Childbirth was just like a pleasant trip away, a mini-break if you will. Mother-to-be has plenty of time and good humour to kiss first born child on the cheek and say 'I'm going to hospital to get your baby brother or sister. Back in a jiffy.'


3. Men were useless. I know what you're thinking, but in the 70's it was profoundly true. Father-to-be sits on the couch happily smoking a pipe of all things while poor unfortunate wife is off on her mini-break, probably screaming obscenities and cursing his name, dreaming of the future when man responsible for said torment is hooked up to genital electrodes so he can share the unimaginable agony. Can't believe that law still hasn't been drafted.


4. It was considered a good idea to kick older sibling out of his cot just a day before new baby was brought home. Said child would then be nothing but thrilled to be getting a new bed, not at all resentful at being usurped from his position.


5. When baby arrives at home (with mother looking just as svelt and immaculately put together as she did the day before labour) and all the focus is on said baby, older sibling is not the least perturbed by the intrusion in his life. He happily offers to help Mummy with his baby sister, even suggesting he can bath her. Methinks he is secretly planning an 'accidental' drowning about now.


6. 70's babies sleep like angels, free of cholic, bouts of inexplicable screaming and midnight nappy changes. This enables serenely relaxed new mother to go on with her needlepoint and housework uninterrupted (while presumably secreting away her little blue happy pills, without which she knows she will simply cease to exist).

Clearly this book was set in Stepford country. Since I was a 70's baby, I'm starting to think my mother had it easy. What did she have to complain about? Thirty years ago, nothing went wrong, motherhood was a breeze. See what I mean about the sarcastic side remarks?

Still, I don't think I'd want to have such an eerily perfect kind of life even if I could.

Perhaps I'll feel differently in 3.5 weeks.

Sami

Murphy's Law and Babies

What does one have to do with the other? Absolutely nothing. Other than the fact that I have a list of funny additions to Murphy's list of laws that I thought I'd share with you and I'm having one. Not a law, a baby.

After I dropped the news on Rachel's blog word seems to be getting around. So to comfirm, yes I am pregnant. I'm due in late July and apparently, according to the doctor, bub is quite small. When she said this, I glanced down at my stomach in consternation and asked her if she was serious. Oh yeah, the baby's small, but I'm not. That means at least half of what's going on around my midriff has more to do with ice-cream than pregnancy. I've developed a magnum a day ice-cream habit that I know is going to be a joy to kick when the time comes. Do you think Jillian or Bob would take pity on me and give me a spot in the white house next year? Perhaps if I keep eating ice-cream, I might end up being big enough to be a loser. Time will tell.

I'm going away to visit family this weekend but thought I would post these hilarious suggestions to Murphys' list of laws. They gave me a laugh anyway, so thanks to Mum and Dad for sending them.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last .... thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like ... well .... night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Cheers,
Sami